In Memory of My Father

THE DAUGHTER-WIFE At an age when most women were finally able to enjoy life, at least for a bit, I stood alone. Not because I have a child to care for anymore, or not because I live a secluded life, due to the unexpected needs of others; or because I am a divorcee or widow. I have a husband; however, in 1999, I felt totally alone because I was desperate to save my father from cancer. I described myself as the 'daughter/wife' -- daughter to a man I cherished, and now I felt like his wife due to all of the business of his illness and his care. Was it just a year ago this week when my life changed dramatically, without warning? Yes, I reminded myself, a little too quickly. A year ago this week! "Cancer?" I screamed hysterically. "Cancer? No! It can't be! He took such good care of himself. He ate the right foods…never drank or smoked. It can't be cancer. There must be some mistake!" Dr. Bones shook his head, nervously drumming his fingers on the dingy colored walls of the freezing cold, sterile atmosphere of Roper Hospital. I heard a noise echoing inside my brain, only to realize it was Dr. Bones's pager buzzing him with another emergency. Glancing my way, he rushed down the hall. My heart fluttered for a moment as the shock of Dr. Bones's diagnosis ricocheted again. I glanced to look at a brightly colored sofa, placed across from the elevator. Reluctantly I lowered myself to the plushness of it, only to realize the softness and comfort did nothing to help my mood. Esophageal cancer, I whispered, while the painful heartbreak swelled inside. How can that be? Dad never smoked cigarettes or partied, or ate the wrong foods. At a time when healthy living was not publicized enough, he was the epitome of everything healthy and right with the world. Dad was the model citizen. He strolled along his neighborhood daily, never driving a car, simply using the strength of his legs and demeanor. He went to church weekly. Prayed. Read his Holy Bible and strove to make up for the indiscretions of his lifetime. I heard a voice screaming in the distance and I wished that it would silence, only to realize the voice was quite familiar --- the voice screaming with pain with sorrowfulness was me. A smiling face, eyes filled with deep concern, and a smile with the whitest teeth I'd seen in years, approached me. "Excuse me, Miss. Are you okay?" She asked. I pulled away, my body arching with stiffness. "Okay," I repeated. "I don't think I'll ever be okay again. My world is ending, starting today."