"It Don't Mean Nothing..."

"It don't mean nothing..." I heard my husband, a Vietnam Veteran of the conflict of the Vietnam war, say repeatedly when returning home from war. We were newlyweds when he left. I will never forget the fear I felt while standing by the airport windows in Charleston, SC, watching him boarding the plane. The taste and warmth of his lips still imprinted on mine. The feel and touch of his hands, the tightness of his embrace still embedded on my body. How I wanted to rush out to the plane and scream, "Don't leave me. Don't go. We can go to Canada."

Something held me back. Maybe it was the pride he held for serving his country - for being one of the chosen ones who was called to a tour of duty for the sake of freedom.

How I wanted to scream, "Wake up. Can't you see what our government is doing?"

Flash forward to 2007 - a new time of an endless war. A new time to stand tall and proud for the freedom we share. A new time to recognize what war does to soldiers, wives, children, families, friends, and everyone.

For many years I have watched my husband fighting a new battle - the emotional scars of war. For many years I have listened to his chilling words, "It don't mean nothing." When we fought, when something bothered him, I heard these chilling words. "It don't mean nothing," does mean something!

Never could I understand it until the brunt of Vietnam related movies came out, including Hamburger Hill. In one of the scenes a soldier mutters, "It don't mean nothing," and finally I understand. Those chilling words were a way of coping and detaching from the situation.

It is my observation that the Veterans Administration repeats those chilling words, "It don't mean nothing," when they are overwhelmed with complaints. My husband and I have been married for 30+ years. During that time, I've observed behaviors I never anticipated. While it is true, he returned from war a changed man -- different, suspicious, watchful, anxious, and unable to adjust to social environments, I could not relate to the true identity of what was inside this strange man I have loved and tolerated for many years.

Divorce was not an option. I wanted to be one of the rare couples who survived marriage, but during nights of flashbacks and screams, straddling me as if I was the enemy, I found much difficulty. My husband refused to discuss what was wrong, repeating those infamous words, "It don't mean nothing."

In 2003 or 2004, my husband decided to visit the Veterans Administration to see if he could get some help with his situation. Over that summer, he met and connected with a friend, a Vietnam Veteran, at the golf course. While they bonded, my husband recognized some of the behaviors and flashbacks he was experiencing were not normal and he needed to get some help.

Yes, as stated, it has been over a four year struggle for my husband to get assistance. This is the system of the Veterans Administration. Overbooked. Overworked. Overstressed. Overwhelmed, and sometimes I say, slightly incompetent.

The system called the Veterans Administration is not working. I, as the wife of a Vietnam Veteran, have expressed this for years. When my husband returned home from Vietnam, he was greeted by me -- no one else. Never did he receive any type of debriefing, consultations, NOTHING!

For us, it felt like once he returned home from Vietnam, returning back to military duty, he was expected to act normal and be a functioning, productive service man.

Right! In a perfect world - but we all know -- WAR is NOT PERFECT!

Perhaps now, with the Walter Reed controversy and the additional complaints about the Veterans Administration, the government and military will awaken to realize, war is not normal and there is definitely a price to be paid - an emotional scar that never heals. To the outside world, it is invisible. Family members never see it because the veteran keeps it inside, whispering to himself, or herself, "It don't mean nothing."

War has a detrimental price to be paid to the veterans. Wake up, Veterans Administration. Stop losing paperwork. Stop missing appointments, and please never express to a Veteran (years later) after the emotional scars eat away into the core of the Veteran, please never express, "The fact that you've been involved in a long-term marriage does not help your case."

What should I have done to help? I was under the impression that supporting the Veteran, showing him I loved him and believed in him, even when he straddled me, choking me while in a flashback, I was under the impression that my husband needed support and love - not divorce.

I am outraged at the Veterans Administration and their lack of compassion, understanding and guidance. Their defense, along with my congressional support, has been negligent. The politicians believe the VA"s words